I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
