one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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