dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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