i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
