I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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