Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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