I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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