Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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