11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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