We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
