My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
