How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
