I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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