This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
