Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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