I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
