Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
