The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
