walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
