It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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