it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
