guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
