I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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