Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
