"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
