You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She is in my trunk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
