I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
