She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
third nipple confirmed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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