True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
