My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
