my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
