Betty ford says i'm here all night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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