i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
