what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
