If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
