please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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