Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
