worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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