I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
