Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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