FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
