When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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