Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
