every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
