I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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