You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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