Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
