I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
