you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
