i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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