I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I smell like Dick and happiness
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